lifeontheground

Weighed myself today, it was higher than i expected it to be. Felt awful about it for a little while and then realised that it's ok because i can lose it. I will lose it all and a bit more. I think in a couple months i will be back in form. Went to sainsburys and got a lot of soup and vegetables. Did not go to college today, felt unmotivated. Did one painting, it was rubbish, don't even want to look at it.

I thought perhaps M. might be better today and she might call but no. Got to make it through the weekend. Feeling very lonely and useless i feel incredibly useless. My hair is disgustingly filthy but i can't be bothered to wash it. I can't believe how fat i have got, this is unacceptable. I need to be thin again, or at least thinner than this. I want my bmi to be under 20, then i will feel ok. Thank god i did weigh myself though because now i can really take action, i shall weigh myself every other day, maybe every day.

I think i will try another painting today, i need to make myself remember how to paint, before christmas i got quite good at it. Now apparently i can't do anything at all. Next week i need to write my dissertation, the thought of it makes me feel a little sick. I shall complete it next week, i need to. I just have to get my brain to function again. I got my extension and i couldn't even fill out the fucking form for it, i just felt very anxious and numb and i couldn't fill it out. My tutor asked after about five minutes of staring at if i wanted him to fill it out, i said yes, this was very embarrassing.

M. is still ill, went to college today, tried to do some work and managed a few drawings had to come home ended up just staring in front of me doing nothing.

On the up, i am losing weight, i am still eating just about half what i should and a lot of vegetables, although today i ate a sandwich for lunch and i was bit disappointed with myself, i felt very anxious eating it in public, that was strange. Soup for dinner and bran flakes for breakfast. I think breakfast is important and bran flakes are ok calories. Matt made the soup, vegetable soup, it was ok. Drinking a lot of coffee and smoking more. I wish i could eat less i am not as good at this as i used to be. Keep thinking about cutting. Last night cried for a few hours, felt like i was losing everything that nothing was worth living for. I still feel like this but i am trying to keep busy. Thinking about B. all the time. Same as yesterday and the day before.
I wish M. was not ill, i feel as though i need to talk to her, however needy that sounds. It just feels shit being by myself in all of this.
Sometimes i wish i would starve myself properly again, i wish i was thin, emaciated because then i wouldn't have to feel any of this. I could sort of turn off. I wouldn't even have to gain the weight back because the i could just give up completely.
I feel very depressed, i want everything to stop.

Feeling fucking terrible, i don't know what to do with myself, i cannot cope with this.

I can't stop thinking about my B. i keep hearing all that stuff he said to me over christmas, it goes over and over. I keep thinking about him with his hands all over me. I keep thinking about when we used to share a room and i keep thinking about him on top of me. That memory that makes me feel trapped and scared. I think about him and me on his bed, i think about the confusion and i feel disgusted and i remember all the shame and i still feel that shame.
I can't seem to get these thoughts out of my head, neither concentrate on anything else. I hate to think what he thinks when he looks at me, thinks of me. He obviously enjoys was he used to do and still does. I can feel his hands on me, on my face and on my body. I feel him standing behind me, his hands on my shoulders. I think about that room in france, i slept on the sofa and he on a single bed, there was about half a meter between them. I remember how strange he used to be, that the bed covers were red.
I hate remembering and thinking, i hate everything to do with him which includes myself. He is always here with me. I cannot function, i want everything to stop. He's inside of me.

M. is off sick, i was supposed to see her tuesday and thursday this week because i can't cope and feel awful, i guess it is bad timing, and i won't see her till next week. I felt really upset this morning about it, but then i realised that nothing can be done about it and i will just have to get on with things as well as i can.

I feel completely useless, i got my extension, and consequently i will not be thinking about my essay until next week. This week the plan is to do drawings, draw buildings and come up with a good enough idea for each image.
I feel exhausted and like crying most of the time. Time seems to pass so slowly and fast at the same time and i keep trying to think of other things instead of all the crap. I can't eat today, it just makes me feel anxious. I want to cut but i also need to try and keep myself in line.

It is very bad timing, i really need someone to speak to this week, i really need some help. I spent most of yesterday trying not to cry and crying. Things seem difficult, difficult to do anything. I feel such sadness and very alone with it all, i don't really know what to do with myself. I would like to cease my existence for a while.

cannot think clearly.
cannot concentrate.

I need to do some work but i can't get my mind to function properly. I am consistently thinking of other things, it feels like everything that happened only happened a few weeks ago. I can't separate it properly in my head.

First day back at college. Tiring, didn't sleep well last night. Spent all day drawing, buildings mainly, every single brick.
NY was uneventful. Kept thinking about if 2011 would be the year i died, i think this every year since i was about 17. I never thought i would live to see my 18th birthday, i remember how strange it felt when i was still alive. Often i feel like i am living on borrowed time. I've been reading all sorts of strange things, i think about them a lot.

I don't feel like i can really talk to anyone, i feel trapped in myself. I feel sad and i can't quite understand why, i feel like giving up and i don't know why. I just saw a picture of someone who had cut themselves and you could see their vein sticking out of the gaping hole. I'd never seen a picture of something quite like that, it was quite disgusting but also i want to look at it again. I want to cut myself, i wonder if i will cut myself at college because i am never by myself in this house, at least at college i can hide away and do it, undisturbed. There is no normal skin left on my wrists, it is all scar tissue on top of one another. The scaring is not too bad but there is no clean skin left, cutting over scars is just not the same. The skin does not split apart in the same way and i like it when that happens, i feel like i have achieved something. I have never been one of those people who cut extremely deep, although i have always been envious, i imagine my largest gap as been between 1.5 - 2 cm, which is not that exciting in the grand scheme of things. I can cut myself hundreds of times in one session and they will gap up to a cm probably but it isn't much.

Back in N.
Still have the flu and still feel strange and ill.

Confused, really fucking confused about everything, Nothing feels right yet and i don't feel as though i belong anywhere. Had a dream last night, M. and my mother were sitting in a car together, watching me, previously me and M. had talked where she told me she thought i was fine these days. I started cutting myself, deeply and i could see all inside my arm, bones and tendons, then i set fire to a lot of paper. They just sat in the car and watched, i left in the end.

I feel quite lonely and depressed even though C. is here with me. I want to cut myself and i can't explain whats going on in my head very well only i feel strange. Thinking about being in L. and my B. I don't understand, and i feel scared but i am not sure what i am scared of.

Cannot stop coughing and i feel fucking exhausted. I want to cut, i really want to cut myself. Keep trying to encourage C. to go out, he says he wants to stay in with me tonight for NY, as i am clearly not going out, i just want to cut. I think perhaps i am angry with myself again.

Feel fucking awful.
Last night all i could think about was ODing, knowing that my mother had codeine and valium prescriptions, as well as my lot of zopiclone. Took some C. and Z. slept for a long time. Saw K. briefly. Back in bed, need to pass time until tomorrow, feel physically and otherwise bad. Take Z. again tonight, cannot sleep here without it. B. kissed me again. Mother has been frustrated with me, i have been angry with her.
Things don't feel right. Nothing feels right. One last night here and then i am going to stay at BB's for a day before back to N. which feels strange because it doesn't feel like it really exists anymore.

Want to cut myself, want to cut myself so fucking much. Always had this rule that while i was ill i couldn't cut myself, that it was unfair to my body as it already had enough to do. Fat, getting very fat. My temperature feels quite high and i want to cut myself and i feel awful. I feel like there has and never will be anything, everything disappears when i am back here.

If i had the will power to die tonight, i probably would. It all seems out of focus and extremely pointless.

I feel sick
I almost threw up i felt so anxious.
Inappropriate things said in front of her, i felt sick and i felt ashamed and embarrassed. Then he came and kissed me, i was lying on the sofa, just on my head with his hand on my side. I thought i was going to vomit. I closed my eyes and pretended to be half asleep or something. He left, my mother asked me if i still felt sick, i said yes and went up stairs.
I heard the dreaded knock that i knew was coming, he apologised to me and i definitely was not expecting that. Either way, i feel like i need to get out of this house, i don't know what to think. I feel fucked because i don't understand. I also have something resembling the flu and feel to ill if i stand up for to long or do anything much, so i imagine i will stay in the house and feel beyond strange, confused and sad.

I should decamp tomorrow to BB. house, i hope i feel well enough to do this. Please let me feel better tomorrow, i just want to get out of this fucking house, i can't stay in here much longer without going mental. I have been stuck in her almost consistently for over three days and i can't sleep without 2 or more sleeping pills. If i don't take them i stay up almost all night being anxious. I hate it here. I don't feel like myself, i don't feel like i can do anything, i feel powerless.
Norwich seems far away, and living by myself and being independent, it all feels unreal like something i wouldn't be able to do. I feel scared.

Back in L. It's strange being here again. My room is how i remember it and nothing has really changed. I slept less than three hours last night, it was the first night with him in the house and i was too anxious to sleep. He has the flu, has been mostly in bed but was walking around today. Touched my leg, i think it was ok. Tries to put his arm round me, i move away.
Asked if i wanted to go out shopping with him, said didn't really have the time, perhaps could go briefly to the shops near by if he really wanted too. She stood behind and mouthed how i was so mean for not taking him out. She said this holiday she just wanted me to be happy, so do what i wanted. Keeps asking me what i am doing and where i am going, if i will be in and when i say no she looks disappointed at me. Guilt. But i can't stay in here for too long.
Had one cigarette today, do not feel good about this, i have chewed that horrible nicotine gum instead. Saw K. briefly, was ok, i don't think she understands much about any of this.

So tired, i am going to take a couple of sleeping pills tonight to knock me out, i didn't sleep very well the night before last either. I need to get some sleep.

I feel very lonely in L. If B. wasn't around i would not see the point of being here.
My room is very small, it is strange to be sleeping back here, everything is as i left it apart from the bed that has been made up for me. The wardrobe still has my clothes in it from years and years ago, there is a calendar from 2008 still on the wall. It's full of all the things i didn't like enough to take with me.
Cannot think. Too tired.